A Charge to Young Couples

Marriage should get better as you age with the person you have chosen in life. I know mine has, but it hasn't always been easy. I have learned a lot along the way. My husband has learned a lot along the way. We have both matured and grown up together. As I have been pondering our life together, (our 23rd anniversary is in a few months) and watching my adult kids in relationships, I thought I would jot down some things I have learned.

Maybe it will be a help to newlyweds.

When a girl is born, and she has a good dad, she has an automatic trust in him. Even kids with bad parents want to trust and love their parents. If they don't get that as a young child, it creates a void and a need for that elsewhere. But if a girl has a good dad who loves her, provides for her, and cherishes her, it creates a strong, self confident woman. She looks to him for guidance, and she trusts that he loves her and wants what is best for her.

She meets a young man who loves the Lord and falls in love with him. They plan their marriage, and with stars in their eyes and wings under their feet, they get married and start a family. She enters into the marriage having the model of her mom and dad's marriage to compare it to. The problem is, it's not her dad, and she doesn't have automatic trust built in her for her new husband. She beings to doubt the decisions he makes. Maybe he is a little immature. (Most young men are, to some extent.) Maybe he doesn't do things exactly like her parents would. He has been raised in a different home than her, with a different background, and now two worlds collide into one flesh. If she isn't careful, and if he isn't careful, things will be said and bitterness will grow and the home will become a war zone.

Marriage doesn't mean that you have an automatic "happily ever after." I feel like my life is a happily ever after, but it's taken years of work, growing, and loving to get to this point. I am going to list some things that I wish someone older than me had told me when I married my "Prince Charming."

To Young Wives-

~Let your husband make mistakes without holding it over his head.

~Learn to just keep quiet if you don't necessarily agree with something he is doing, and let things go. He'll learn.

~He yearns for someone to love him unconditionally, without berating him for his character flaws or constantly bringing up his mistakes and past failures.

~You set the tone in the home. If you are on edge and unhappy, chances are, he is too.

~Let him have a hobby. Let him have some space, but let him know he is your whole world, too.

~Do the housework and the menial tasks of the home when he is gone, and when he gets home, talk to him. Let him know he is the most important person in the world to you.

~Don't ever be passive aggressive or give him the silent treatment. This is childish. You should be able to talk openly and honestly with each other about conflict.

~Keep arguments or disagreements short. Resolve quickly, and admit that you aren't always right.

~Don't ever put him down or berate him in front of others.

~Trust him. It's hard at first, but eventually he will earn your trust, over years and years of loving and providing for you.

~Always have his back. He can face the world if someone is in his corner.

~Expect great things of him. Expect him to be holy, and encourage him in his pursuit for holiness.

~Your husband needs your reverence. He needs you to follow his lead without dragging you along. You can have arguments and conflict, yes, but learn to yield. A wife's reverence is so important to a man.

~Satisfy your husband's physical needs. They will most likely be stronger than yours, but marriage is the only place that that will be fulfilled, so fulfill!

~Don't talk to your family about your problems. You are going to have disagreements. You are going to have fights. But while you will forgive and move on, your family might not. They will always be on your side, and they will always hold grudges. Deal with stuff in house and deal with it quickly, before it festers or builds.

To Young Husbands-

~Let your wife make mistakes without holding it over her head or constantly bringing it up.

~Love her deeply. Love her more than your flesh, put her needs above your needs.

~Recognize she is not a man. She is a woman, with complex feelings and yes, raging hormones at times.

~Resolve that you will not say harmful things. To me, words are very important and when someone says something hurtful to me, it's very difficult for me to forget it. This includes little digs and spiteful things muttered, even if "joking."

~Learn her personality and learn which buttons not to push.

~Learn her love language and fill her love tank.

~Work hard; work to provide a good life for her.

~Let her have a hobby. Let her have some space, but let her know she is the most important person to you.

~Just be nice. Don't be snarky. Don't be rude. She will blossom under love and appreciation. She will wilt under hard criticism and demeaning words.

~Love her family. She loves her family, especially her dad, and don't ever be jealous or try to get in the way of that. The fact that she has a good relationship with her dad will help create balanced kids in a balanced home.

~Pursue holiness. Don't ever DM another woman. Don't ever look at stuff on the internet. Have accountability in place. Have guidelines and boundaries to ensure that your wife is the only woman you ever have in your thoughts and heart.

~Recognize different seasons in her life, and be mature about it. Babies will come, postpartum will come, and sleepless nights will come. Don't pout or throw a fit when you don't get her all to yourself, or she needs time to recover or heal. Cherish her, love her- look out for her physical needs, too.

~Just love her, and love her deeply. A woman needs someone who thinks they hung the moon. We all know we are a little crazy, but we need a man who loves us despite our crazy. Who thinks we are beautiful and talented and awesome and amazing. Who doesn't care if we are in heels or sweats and a messy bun.

Marriage is a little messy at first. (and sometimes, years into it) You are taking two imperfect people, with two completely different backgrounds, and you are creating an entirely different home and dynamic.

Marriage doesn't just exist to make us happy. It exists to glorify God, bring children into the world to glorify God, and to grow us, mold us, and push us to be better people. It takes work, humility, and grace.

And it takes years to develop trust, deep love, and undying devotion. Keep working on it. It's worth it.