Heirs Together

Warning- Heavy, lengthy post ahead. While I like to focus on uplifting and encouraging posts, I also like to delve into some heavy stuff now and then. This post is just me formulating some of the thoughts in my head, and if it can be help to anyone, I am glad.

I am a pastor's wife with a ministry for women online. As such, I get lots of emails from women in every kind of situation. Sometimes it's men telling their wives to reach out to me for advice. When that is the case, it's usually because men have put me on some Proverbs 31 pedestal that just isn't true. Most often, they don't know me in real life, and they assume I am going to tell their wife it's her problem, and to work on her.

Which is only partly true. Most of the time, both spouses have issues going on. None of us are perfect. Sometimes, though, one of the spouses is just a really horrible person.

Also, spousal abuse can go both ways.

I am a Christian. I formulate my beliefs off of the Bible. And I am completely behind the idea of the traditional home. I don't believe that patriarchy is the "bad guy" in abusive situations.

However. And hear me out.

Patriarchy attracts some of the worst when it comes to men. Men who want all the power with none of the responsibility. Men who listen to the likes of Lori Alexander, (The Transformed Wife) and men who are drawn to women influencers who place all the blame for the problems in the home on the women. Men who are drawn to preachers who pontificate about how evil, how seductive, how horrible women are. Men who don't care what their wives have to say, and bulldoze every thought, idea, or opinion that they might have. Men who curse at their wives and use horrible language, men who are scared of their wives ever disagreeing with them. Men who want to be called, "lord", yet have no idea how to provide for their family in any way- financially or emotionally. Men who have no idea how to love their wives in any sense of the word.

In case you don't know me very well, let me tell you a little bit about what I am teaching my own daughters when it comes to marriage, and let me share a little bit about my own marriage.

I remember the first time I was asked..."So, you are telling me your husband has NEVER called you a name? Never called you a whore, or a Jezebel, or a *****, or a *****?"

"No, never." I replied firmly. I tried to keep the shock off of my face, because not only has he never called me a name, it's so out of the realm of possibility that he ever would.

Yet some women are being called that daily.

Words have power. Words have life. They can speak life, or tear down.

Some of the things I tell my girls to watch for in their relationships-

Watch how he speaks to you. Does he call you names? That's an automatic end to the relationship right there if that happens. Don't let it go further, it will just get worse from then on out.

Is everything your fault, or does he take responsibility when he messes up?

How does he treat women generally?

Is he an angry man?

Are you on edge when you are around him?

Does he even know what he believes when it comes to core beliefs, who he is as a person, his thinking system, or is he just fitting in with whatever group he is around?

Does he blame his bad days on you? Does he blame his mood on you? Does he say..."If you just did better in a, b, or c, everything would be fine!"

Has he ever gotten physical with you in any way when angry?

All of those things listed are major red flags, and should not be ignored. In fact, I tell my girls to run if even one is listed.

Let me explain what a good, Biblical marriage looks like.

It's a husband who loves his wife in every area. He provides for her physical needs- a roof over her head, food on the table, monetary needs, and also in intimacy. He puts her needs and desires above his own, and he doesn't demand his 'rights'.

It's a husband who values the input of his wife- values her differences in opinion, her insight, her wisdom. She has a way of thinking that he does not, and he learns to listen to that wisdom.

It's a husband who encourages his wife- he never rips her apart with his tongue or curses her.

It's a husband who would walk away from an argument and never raise a hand to her.

It's a husband who realizes that his wife has gifts and talents and isn't intimidated by those.

It's a wife who sees to the needs of her husband. She listens to his wants and desires. She puts his needs above her own.

It's a wife who doesn't allow her tongue to rule her.

It's a wife who works hard and is careful with money.

It's a wife who reverences her husband and doesn't trash him to others.

A good relationship should be comfortable. You shouldn't be on edge, or fearful in any way.

It's not one sided. It's not "all the man's fault", or "all the woman's fault."

And in case anyone didn't know, I am against abuse in any form. I will never tell a woman to stay with a man who is hitting her- especially if kids are in the picture.

I will never tell a woman to stay with a man where sexual abuse is happening to her, or to their child.

I will encourage a wife to call the authorities in either of the above situations, and to get to a safe place.

Teach your girls about purity, but also teach them about their bodies, and boundaries. No boy should ever touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. Teach them about self respect and teach them that they have worth. Teach them that they don't have to put up with some bum calling them horrible things. Teach them to end the relationship while dating if any of that is present.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful man who is showing my girls what a good guy looks like. They know their worth, and they know red flags to watch for.

Sadly, many girls aren't being taught this, though.

Let's change that, Mamas.